So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
there was a trapeze. enough said
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
two words: eviction party
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
