someone get that fucking seahorse.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
