I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
