I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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