had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
