i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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