A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
oh god the rape fog is back!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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