I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
