Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
