If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
