this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
