NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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