Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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