How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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