I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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