The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
