if i can run in heels then i can drive
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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