Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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