I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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