What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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