i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
