I cut my penus on the lid.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
