the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
