Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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