New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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