Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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