im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
3pm strippers are depressing
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
