I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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