she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Too much gin, very little bucket
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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