"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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