There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
