i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
