Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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