Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
