they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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