if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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