I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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