He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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