I cockslap morals
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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