Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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