a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize