we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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