I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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