OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
oh god the rape fog is back!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
