you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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