he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
