after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
