please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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