Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Mom said you looked used
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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