Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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