No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
