We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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