dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
