Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
