There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
