ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Randomize
