Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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