I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
